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22 March 2010
Your bracket is busted. We know this. You don't have to tell us. You were wrong about Kansas, thought Vanderbilt was better than they are, and didn't even know Saint Mary's was a school.
It's okay, step back from the ledge, because you're in the same boat as everyone else. What do you do now? Start Sweet Sixteen brackets, that's what. Screw the 65 team tournament and start all over again with Sweet Sixteen pools.
Now that I've convinced you, I'll help you pick your way to the Final Four. We won't do any basketball analysis on defensive vs. offensive match ups though. No, there will be no talk of which team will be able to force tempo. From here on we'll use the tried and tested way to pick brackets. We're going to pick based upon mascot match ups. Read on for can't-lose Sweet Sixteen bracket picks.
Round of 16
Northern Iowa vs. Michigan State: UNI's mascot is a panther and Michigan State's is a Spartan. I usually like animals over humans, but have you seen what the kid did to that giant wolf-thing in 300? Spartans all the way.
Tennessee vs. Ohio State: Volunteers vs. Buckeyes. Neither of these exactly strike fear into my heart, but I'll take friendly people over a damned nut any day. Vols easily here.
Syracuse vs. Bulter: We're looking at orange men against bulldogs here. I'm not sure why painting oneself orange would be dangerous, but I love bulldogs. They're awfully cute and you don't want to be bitten by one of those little bastards. Butler in a close one.
Xavier vs. Kansas State: Kansas State's mascot is a wildcat, and I do love that, but Musketeers have swords! Any mascot with a sword can be difficult to tangle with. Bru's favorite team marches on to the Elite Eight here.
Kentucky vs. Cornell: Again, we have wildcats and it appears Cornell's mascot is the "Big Red." They do have a grizzly bear in their logo, but I'm going with team names here. Much like Western Kentucky, I have no earthly idea what a "Big Red" is, so I'll stick with the Wildcats in this one.
Washington vs. West Virginia: Huskies against the Mountaineers. This looks like a great match up on paper. Huskies are tough dogs that potentially have a little wolf in their blood while Mountaineers are known for hunting wild game in, well, the mountains. I'll take a human with a black powder rifle over a snarling beast in a close one.
Duke vs. Purdue: Blue Devils vs. Boilermakers here. I'm not really sure what the boilermaker is. Is he a railroad worker? A steel layer? Gage, a little help? The only boilermaker I'm acquainted with involves whiskey and beer. While I give a hat tip to that combination, I'll stick with a royal blue beast from Hell on this one.
Baylor vs. Saint Mary's: Bears against Gaels. No damned clue what a Gael is so Bears by 6.
Round of Eight
Spartans vs. Volunteers: Our first human vs. human match up! According to history King Leonidas was wiped out at Thermopylae by a bunch of slaves forced to fight. Imagine what would have happened if they were a volunteer army that actually wanted to be there. Vols in a blood bath.
Bulldogs vs. Musketeers: Bulldogs are full of tenacity, but how tenacious can you be with a bloody sabre sticking out your rib cage? XU by a hair.
Wildcats vs. Mountaineers: Ugh, this one is a toughy. No one knows how many times this battle was waged in 1800's Appalachia. Mountain man will have just waged a war against a dog while the Cats will have cruised past an unknown entity. I think that gives UK the gas to take a lickin' and deliver a death blow to WVU.
Blue Devils vs. Bears: Tough call here. Who knows what mysterious powers a blue devil actually has? What we do know is that bears are stone cold killers that will do anything to get to your trash. If you've ever seen the skanks that hang out near Duke trying to baby-trap a smart kid you know that Duke is in some serious trouble here. Bears stick it out and root Duke out of the tournament.
So there you have it. The final four will be, without a doubt, Tennessee, Xavier, Kentucky, and Baylor. It's a can't miss. Just send your email to Cohron when you win a bundle.
