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17 March 2010
The games begin in a few hours and you're still not sure who to pick in that dreaded 5-12 matchup? Have no fear! We present the 2nd (Not Actually) Annual A-Z of the NCAA Tournament. We've tried to pick teams that you may not know a lot about, except for a few homer selections (and because the letters didn't match any other teams). This is for entertainment only, as most of these teams should be eliminated in the first round.
A: San Diego State Aztecs: For their first round game, the Aztecs have to travel FROM San Diego TO Providence, Rhode Island in the middle of March. And here we thought that going to the NCAA Tournament was a reward!
B: Ohio Bobcats: What if your big brother was a big asshole who thought he was awesome, but usually never came through when it really counted? That's what it's like to be a student at Ohio.
C: UC Santa Barbara Gauchos: What the hell is a Gaucho? It sounds like the Native American version of the Snuggie. Can't you imagine the commercials, "Do you ever get your hands tied up in your multi-colored traditional blanket??? Well... we've added sleeves! It's the Gaucho!"
D: Old Dominion Monarchs: Most years, Old Dominion's women's team could beat their men's team.
E: East Tennessee State Buccaneers: ETSU was founded as the East Tennessee State Normal School, which really says a lot about people that went to any other school in Tennessee.
F: Florida Gators: Most of us started college before Google got big. What if you had been able to do a Google Images Search of "Florida Girls" before you chose a school? Would there have been any question as to where you would have gone to school? No, no there would not.
G: Montana Grizzlies: On the same note, if I were an administrator trying to get kids to come to Montana for school, I would put some pictures up of hot girls that didn't actually go to Montana to try and drive up the numbers.
H: Houston Cougars: I would definitely watch the Cougars play if there starting five were: Diane Lane, Kristin Davis, Teri Hatcher, Jenny McCarthy and Jennifer Aniston.
I: Northern Iowa Panthers: How the hell does Head Coach Ben Jacobson get guys to come play for him? Not only do you have to live in Cedar Falls, IA for four years, but then you have to wear purple the entire time? At least the Lakers are in Los Angeles.
J: Kansas Jayhawks: Kansas is going to win the tournament. That's all you need to know.
K: Kentucky Wildcats: You know about John Wall, Patrick Patterson and DeMarcus Cousins, but do you know who UK's real MVP is? The great mind behind White Dress Day.
L: Lehigh Mountain Hawks: When choosing the school's color scheme, Lehigh administrators opted for brown and... brown. "Here's what we want, we want a lighter, tannish brown over a more poop-colored brown. That will look splendid!"
M: Morgan State Bears: It's not a good sign when a school's lacrosse team has its on page on Wikipedia, but the basketball team doesn't. Congratulations, Morgan State, on being the most irrelevant team in the entire tournament!
N: North Texas Mean Green: How can you think of North Texas without thinking of the film classic, Necessary Roughness? Sinbad playing football! Kathy Ireland in her 20s!
O: Oakland Golden Grizzlies: Oakland University is not in Oakland, CA. It is in Rochester. Not Rochester, NY, but Rochester, MI. How the hell does anyone find this place to attend it?
P: Arkansas Pine Bluff Golden Lions: Have you ever been to Pine Bluff, Arkansas? Reffering to anything there as 'golden' is a bit of a stretch.
Q: Question: If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?
R: Robert Morris Colonials: Their mascot is RoMo, a person dressed in clothing from colonial times. Is their student section referred to as the RoMo-sexuals?
S: Siena Saints: I knew a girl once named Siena. She did this amazing thing with Pop Rocks and ice. Needless to say, she was no saint.
T: Tennessee Volunteers: You won't see a lot of Orange in Providence this weekend, as that would mean Volunteer fans couldn't keep up with the football team's off-season weight training activities.
U: Utah State Aggies: Utah State takes on Texas A&M in their first round game. Texas A&M also happens to be the Aggies. The definition of 'aggie' must be a school that takes a backseat to two other schools in its state.
V: Vermont Catamounts: Nothing bad will be said about Vermont because Phish, the greatest band in all the land, got its start there.
W: Wofford Terriers: Wofford produced these douchebags on the left. What else needs to be said?
X: Xavier Musketeers: Each year, Xavier and Cincinnati play to determine which school is in a worse part of Cincy. No one really wins, though, because there is nothing nice about Cincinnati.
Y: Brigham Young Cougars: Sure, we make a lot of Mormon jokes on the site, but do you watch Big Love? The guy is married to three sexy women; one that's already a cougar and two that will be. What's so wrong with this scenario?
Z: Zenyatta: In an NCAA Tournament field this bad, the most dominant horse in the world even stands a chance.
