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14 July 2010
Dear Cleveland, All of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who grew up nowhere near this region he deserted tonight, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a couple day, humble, non-self-promotional build-up culminating with some ESPN reporters breaking the news on Twitter. This "decision" was like many other things we have "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to a few of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the not so hard-working, not very loyal and rarely driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. Unless you decide to stop supporting us. By the way, can I borrow $100k from any of you?
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. You think Kyle Lowry is exciting? If so, over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating a four year deal with him! (Nevermind, Lowry is sticking with the Rockets...damn.)
You simply deserve this kind of betrayal from a guy we traded to Washington less than three months ago.
You haven't given an iota to this organization compared to what Big Z gave and you don't deserve anything.
In the meantime, I want to make one outlandish statement that will never come true to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'BIG Z' WINS ONE"
You can take it to your mortgage broker... if you got your mortgage with Quicken Loans.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you this non-shameful display of a free agent just going to a better team hasn't really shifted our "motivation." You did hear about the offer sheet to Kyle Lowry, though, right? (Ugh, damn you, Darryl Morey.)
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. Actually, I have no idea what that means, so it may actually be how it works.
This is a lesson our children should want to learn. Someone is choosing to go play for a better organization than ours. Can I really blame him? No. Hell, I hope my kids grow up to be like "Big Z."
But the bad news is that this well thought out action cannot and will not serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio. Honestly, the Cavs, Indians and Browns all blow. We can't win dick around here.
The self-declared former "Big Z" won't be taking any "curse" with him. He doesn't need to do "right" by Cleveland or Ohio. We did trade him to get Jamison, who absolutely sucked in the playoffs. Not to mention, "Big Z" wanted to play in the 2008 Olympics and we wouldn't let him. We probably have worse karma now.
Just watch us get worse.
Sleep well, Cleveland. About half of you still have jobs.
Tomorrow is a new, but not much brighter day... unless you like Kyle Lowry! (Don't worry, surely there is another mediocre guard out there that we can overpay.)
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
PAYING BACK THE NBA the $100k I got fined for the other letter I wrote...
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers
(In case you couldn't tell, this letter is completely fake. Dan Gilbert, please don't sue me. If you haven't seen the letter Gilbert wrote after LeBron decided he was going to the Heat, click here. This will hopefully be funnier after you read that.)
