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04 February 2010
This time of year, everyone has awards on their mind. The NFL has the Pro Bowl (recently moved to before the Super Bowl!), every college basketball analyst and commentator is mentioning Player of the Year honors, the Winter Olympics are just around the corner and everyone can expect Josh Cohron to write daily about the happenings in Vancouver.
Yes, I know the introduction is a bit of a stretch but I couldn't come up with a better transition to what I am introducing as 'Sports Superlatives.' Everyone remembers voting for Most Attractive, Most Likely to Succeed and Best All-Around for their high school yearbook. We will be doing the same thing only for the sports world with a loose connection to high school life.
Why did I pick the first part of February to introduce Sports Superlatives? It is close to Valentine's Day, I have no date and I feel alone and inadequate. High school was the last time I had a real girlfriend and my senior year I was voted Most School Spirit.
Enough with the bad introductions...here we go.
Most Likely to Lie about Homework
- Urban Meyer: Congrats to Coach Meyer for successfully informing the world of his resignation from Florida only to have a change of heart, take a leave of absence, be magically healed and inform everyone he will be coaching during spring practice. If only Tim Tebow had used his healing powers to change Carlos Dunlap's BAC, maybe they could have beaten Alabama.
Most Likely To Ditch His Prom Date After Taking Her Virginity
- Lane Kiffin: When Kiffin bolted after one year from Tennessee, the entire fan base was angry, hurt and confused. Kiffin is the equivalent to the leather jacket wearing bad boy on one of those Lifetime movies that the innocent high school girl falls for. She gives up her virginity on the back of this guy's motorcycle only to be dumped a few days later. She finds peace at the end of the movie when discovering her ex-boyfriend has herpes, couldn't ride his father's coattails anymore, got a fat girl pregnant, flunked out of school, lost highly recruited kids to UCLA and lost the ability to speak in a tragic motorcycle accident.
Most Likely to Become a Serial Killer
- Cole Aldrich: Every time I see this guy on TV all I can think is Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Say you were in the middle of Texas, bleeding, lying on the ground, having already lost an arm. Would you really be surprised if the guy standing over you with a chainsaw unveils himself to be Cole Aldrich? Of course not. He just has that look. Don't be surprised when it happens.
Most Athletic
- Lebron James: Who did you expect to win this award? The kind of fat kid at your crappy rural high school who threw for 3 TDs in the high school football state semi-finals that remains the greatest moment in your sorry town's pathetic existence. No. Grow up, pay attention to the real world of sports and stop pretending like anyone from your town is remotely athletic.
Most School Spirit
- Bruce Pearl: Anyone willing to dress like that just to support their school must win the award.
Most Likely to be Mistaken for an Ugly Woman (Tie)
- Phil Mickelson: Nobody else had man boobs like that. Honestly, some drunk guy, somewhere will or has made that mistake.
- 'The Man Flower' on American Idol Monday night: Just watch the video, that's all I can say.
Person We're Hoping Is Most Likely to Get Pregnant the Summer After Her Senior Year
- Holly Rowe: I don't know who would sleep with her (maybe the sort of fat QB from your high school) but at least it would get her off High Def TV for a few months.
photo credit thebiglead.com
