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05 April 2010
Scene: Cameron Indoor Stadium. Thousands of Duke students cheering wildly fill the stands, while the 2009-10 national champs* sit sit quietly on a stage on the floor. Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski, wearing a smug smile, steps to the podium. The crowd quiets, waiting anxiously to hear him speak.
There's just so many people to thank for this - I hope I don't leave anyone out.
First and foremost, I love this team. Sure, it's a bunch of unathletic white guys, most of whom couldn't get laid in a women's prison, but they have really embraced the proud Duke tradition this year, with things like flopping, whining, and smirking. They've also mastered our offense as well as any team I've ever coached, learning to launch three-pointers at every available opportunity and, if anyone is in the same zip code while you're shooting, you flail about as though you've been shot at close range with a hunting rifle. Even better, they've really grown as a team, to the point where a no-talent loser like Mr. Zoubek (nods toward the bearded senior, who is picking his nose with suprising intensity) over here thinks he can bark orders at teammates to inspire them. At no other place in the country can a clown like this consider himself a leader, but that's why we're special here at Duke.
We can take a goofy, lumbering oaf and turn him into a bearded, goofy, lumbering oaf who has secured a place in history, alongside other greats like Cherokee Parks and Erik Meek.
Next, I really have to hand it to the Selection Committee. Thanks guys -this wouldn't be possible if it weren't for you. Giving us a region with a Hummel-less Purdue was brilliant. Making Villanova our #2 was also very much appreciated, considering they have no player taller than 6'3. And Baylor as our #3 seed? You guys really outdid yourselves this year. Thanks so much fellas - it means a lot. By the way, I mailed out those "documents" you requested. You should be able to cash them...ahem...I mean look over them, by the end of the week.
And while we're on the subject - a special heartfelt thanks to the officiating crews this year. Thanks guys. Your thank-you cards (giant wink) will also be arriving this week. (pauses to hold back laughter) Block? Charge? Who the heck knows? (crowd laughs. Former guard Greg Paulus, seated in the crowd wearing a hat to hide the imprint of Danny Green's nuts on his forehead, nods his approval).
Also- a real shame about the injuries this year. No Robbie Hummel. No Truck Bryant. Da'Sean Butler goes down with nine minutes left in the game. Matt Howard playing with a slight concussion in the title game. Gosh darn- a real shame. Isn't it weird that those are all teams we played too? Must be a coincidence.
And I would be remiss if I didn't thank the Indianapolis Star for their mock drawing of me with devil horns and a target. That gave me a chance to really promote what we do here at Duke. You know- how we do things the right way. How our players take school seriously and graduate- just ask William Avery where he'd be today without that Duke degree. And how we play hard, but never dirty. I mean, you would never catch one of our players throwing an unwarranted elbow at someone.
But most of all, I was able to point out how we recruit the right kinds of kids. Kids who aren't caught up with the sleazy underworld of amateur basketball, and aren't just using college as a quick stop to the NBA. You know- kids like Corey Maggette. So thanks to whichever reported cooked that one up- you just gave me a chance to show off what a great school we have here. Hey, and even the girls are cute too!!
Now I can already hear the critics. They say we had a favorable path to the title. That we got lucky. That we won in a year where there were no great teams. That we're the worst team to win a national title in quite some time. Well...screw all of you. We won the title, and we paid for it...excuse me...played for it, fair and square. Did I say paid? (nervously chuckles) Why did I say that? I didn't mean it- I swear. I meant that we won by playing hard. Yeah, that's it.
So to all of you out there that hate us..well I really have nothing to say to you. Clearly, you're just jealous that we found the perfect combination of white guys, bad officiating and favorable seeding. So let's hear it for these guys! (Crowd roars. America collectively throws up).
* 2009-10 was deemed a down year for college basketball, and basketball fans have agreed that the championship meant quite a bit less than in years' past. It was also agreed that Kentucky, Kansas, Syracuse and possibly even a few teams from the local YMCA would handily beat Duke in a game if given the chance. So technically, yes they won. But realistically, no one believes they're that good.
