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22 April 2010
Tonight is the NFL's 75th player draft. With plenty of speculation going on, I thought it was time for me to weigh in on what I think should and will happen when Commissioner Gur-dell takes the stage tonight. Well at least the first 10 picks or until it gets boring.
On to the stage!
Gur-dell takes the mic and says "I would like to make one request before this gets underway here at Radio City Music Hall. Adam Jones, stop trying to write me letters. They are incomprehensible drivel and you are doing yourself no favors. Just stop. Please. That said, on with the shit show!"
With the first overall pick, the St. Louis Rams select
A tie. After all, one little tie would be an improvement over last year's 1-15 record. And it'll make a nice sling for Sam Bradford's arm come week 3.
JUMP! (41.5 inches, good job)
The second pick goes to the Lions who select
Miguel Cabrera's booze collection. Hey, it's right down the road and there should be plenty available for all. The fans will need it.
Uh... actually, don't give it to the fans. Just give it all to Shaun Hill. He's the one that has to spend every day with Matt Stafford and Drew Stanton.
With the third pick, the Buccaneers select (pick inaudible due to the thundering laughter of Jon Gruden.)
The fourth pick goes to the 'Skins who take Bruce Campbell, OT from Maryland. At this exact minute, the Army of Darkness charges the stage armed with a boomstick and ridiculous dialogue.
Donovan McNabb realizes what he's done and immediately calls Adam Jones for a ride to the scrip club.
The Chiefs, at 5, select Eric Berry. Vols, Bitch.
The Seahawks, at 6, select a vacation while the city of Cleveland follows that pick with the selection of a tall ladder and a short rope.
Al Davis then trades his #8 pick away for Ryan Leaf and a belt buckle.
The Bills select Jimmy Clauahahahahahahahah.... because they're the Bills! Is this a Monday?
Rounding out the top 10 are the Jaguars, who take Tim Tebow--out to dinner to thank him for his service to the state for the last 4 years and then select their actual pick--Marven Gardens. Man, I wish the McRib was back...
Other picks of note, bulletpoint style.
- The Bengals will select Dez Bryant with the 21st pick, ushering in a new era of Bengals football wherein they bypass the waiting for seedy veterans to end up in jail and jump straight to liars and cheaters in the world of Academia. It's a youth movement, you see.
- Al Davis will trade away his entire 2011 draft to move the Raiders into the 31 spot in order to select, Al Davis.
- At 32, the Saints will select Fletch "The Jane Doe Edition" on DVD because they are simply that much fucking better than you.
- And finally, with the 9th pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select...
