When I Tried Some New Sports And Failed Miserably

Written by Ian | 02 September 2009

Like most some bloggers, I've been involved in many sports over the course of my life.  I've been playing basketball for about 20 years now, some form of baseball/softball for more like 23 years, and my golf game resembles something a three year old may do on the links.  At any given time you can find the following items in my house: a basketball, basketball shoes, softballs, a softball bat, softball cleats, a set of golf clubs, golf spikes, a tennis racquet, a football, and even a pair of running shoes with the Nike + system.  These are pretty standard items found in many "weekend warriors" houses.

This week I was surprised to find that I also have a set of shin guards, goalie gloves, goalie jersey, and two frisbees for disc golf also in my possession.  "How did these things come to pass?" you might ask.  Well, they're both interesting stories, but not quite as interesting at how miserably I fail at utilizing these tools.

Two weeks ago I had a company picnic and a couple of guys asked if I wanted to play a round of disc golf before we left for the day.  Seemed harmless enough.  I even parred out on 3 or 4 of the 9 holes we played.  The game seemed simple.  That was until one of the guys asked me to be his doubles partner in a lunch work league.

How has this turned out?  Pathetically to put it gently.  After two matches I'm carrying something like an 8 handicap.  Yes, in disc golf.  Yes, for 9 holes.

More after the jump.

If you've never tried disc golf, don't.  It's a frustrating sport (nearly as bad as traditional golf) because all you have to do is throw a frisbee in a basket.  This turns out to be much more difficult than it appears as the frisbee never seems to fly parallel to the ground.  It generally comes out of your hand at about a 25 degree angle and proceeds to attack trees, innocent park-goers, and invariably ends up going over fences, tree lines, and roads that are marked as out of bounds.  If you think hitting a tee shot OB in golf is frustrating go out and throw a frisbee 200 feet dead straight and then watch the little fucker turn left on you for about 50 feet into the woods.

In the same week as the disc golf invitation I received a text message from a friend asking me to play in an indoor soccer league.  My reply was that I had never played soccer in my life (never even picked up a ball).  His reply, "perfect."

I decided to go for it.  My body has been falling apart lately and soccer seemed like a little less demanding sport than say basketball.  No jumping, no boxing out, no bending.  Just run and kick.  Simple enough.  Until I decided it would be fun to be goalie.

If I've learned one thing about rec league soccer in two weeks it is that goalies are like pitchers in softball.  No one really seems to want to play the position and when some poor bastard gets roped into it they are pretty much stuck there (and will get calls to pick up to play apparently).

To be fair, playing goalie is one of the most fun things I've done in sports.  It's something I know jack shit about, but for some reason I have a blast doing it.  That was up until I got kicked square in the right testicle last time out.  It hurt about as much as it sounds like it would.  I literally checked to make sure my right ball wasn't somewhere inside me.  It wasn't and I played keeper the rest of the game (quite the trooper, no?).

In two games my team has given up 5 and 7 goals in indoor soccer and lost by a combined 12-4 count.  Not so good for the goalie I suppose, but I don't know what I'm doing, no one else seems to want to come back there, and it is pretty fun.  Not to mention you avoid a lot of running.

So what have I learned form trying a couple of new, non traditional American sports?  First off, don't get kicked in the sack by a soccer ball.  That shit hurts.  Second, trying new sports is a blast, but you better be prepared to be pissed off because you're likely to suck balls at them when you start.  Third, have a good attitude and have fun.  Don't expect to be good at things you've never tried.  Finally, if you're going to try a new sport, like indoor soccer, it helps to pick a league that sells beer from a concession stand during games.  It'll  bring you fans who can come laugh at your ass and it'll give you a quick place to walk to drown your sorrows after the game.