SEC QB rankings that matter

Written by Grubby | 16 July 2009

As July slides gracefully to a close and August ramps up, you won't be able to throw a miniature rubber football in any direction without hitting a pre-season position/player/team ranking of some kind.  Putting a 2009 value on something before the first ball is snapped or field goal missed (I'm looking at you Daniel Lincoln) does one thing and one thing only: keeps us sane until September, when we can back up our misapplied value systems with actual statistics.

Today I'd like to take my stab at an SEC quarterback ranking for something a little more applicable during these hot and lazy summer months.  Best Beer-lympics event partners.

Event One:  The Dead Weight Carry.  Historically this event has been used at the end of games to transport partners/girlfriends to the next event/her apartment.  This year it is making its first official appearance as a point-yielding contest.  First person to successfully run his roommate out of the wrong house ("but they all looked the same!") and into his proper bed wins.  Second place gets beaten up by the four other football players who actually live there.

I'll take Kodi Burns/Chris Todd.  The never before seen two-man Beerlympics starting tandem comes up handy in the dead weight carry and saves one poor ADPi from a TV news appearance and disappointed father.

Event Two: Beer Pong.  Come on, this is a no-brainer.  Combine throwing accuracy, the ability to distract competitors (or police officers), being handy with balls (or with keys), and the no-nonsense attitude he takes with a bottle of Jack.  We'll take Stephen Garcia here.  As long as he gets a haircut.

Event Three: Slip'n'Slide for Distance.  Simple choice.  Superman can fly, a saviour can walk on water and an angels feet never touch the ground.  Tim Tebow it is.

Event Four: Keg Stand.  This event requires significantly less athletic ability, a stone head, and a knack for taking a beating in the face with grace.  Jon Crompton, come on down.

Event Five: Quarters.  I'm taking Larry Smith.  He seems like the kind of guy who would always have spare change and be willing to share.  Oh... he stole the job from that polite young scholarly McKenzie Adams?  Well.  Bump that noise.  Give me Mike Hartline.  At least he holds the door open for his ladies.  Here he is with three pretty coeds and a Buckeye jersey on.  Don't we all have a Buckeye jersey on underneath?

Event Six: Nine-Ball.  How can you not take Jevan Snead here?  Born and bred in the bars and pool halls of West Texas, he's a gutsy take-no-prisoners type on the field as well as in the smoky dim-lit back room of Harry T's.  Too bad he can't bring his brother Billy Riggins along with him.  That would be one hell of an afternoon.  What's that? Oh... Not real you say? Then who am I thinking of?

Event Seven: Lawn Darts. The only thing required here is a blatant disregard for humal life and a penchant for the illegal.  I'll take Brent Schaeffer.  Arena football does too count!

Final Event: Taco Bell Volume Contest.  Born of the patriotism of Nathan's Fourth of July Hot Dog contest mixed with Fourth Meal and "we're open late."  No question this goes to Arkansas' Tyler Wilson.  With all that free time he's going to have watching Petrino slobber over Ryan Mallet, there is not a combination of Chili Cheese/Bacon Cheesy Potato Burritos that will be able to put him on his knees.  While you're out, I'll take two soft taco supremes and some Fire sauce.  Thanks Ty.

Not available for participation in the games were Ryan Mallett (still looking for his dorm room), Jordan Jefferson (still looking for his red shirt), Tyson Lee (who I didn't know played in the SEC), Greg McElroy (who will wish he didn't by October), and Joe Cox (didn't that guy graduate already... yeesh... he must be on the Travis Stephens plan).

Stay tuned for the "best chess and World of Warcraft partner" selection show when we preview the Big East.