FWP: The Usain Bolt Edition

Written by Josh Cohron | 21 August 2009

crystal-ball

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open. The crystal ball gets cloudy.

Usain Bolt is the fastest man on the planet and there is no arguing it. This week, he set the world record in the 100 and 200 meters at the world championships. He is 6'5", long, lean and athletic; is running fast the ceiling for him? One of the debates around LeBron James has been whether he could play football in the NFL. What about Bolt? Is there no room for the fastest guy in the world on a 53 man NFL roster? Is there a corner in the league that could stay with him? He would be unbelievable in Arena Football (R.I.P.), seeing as those WRs can start running towards the line of scrimmage before the ball is hiked. Heck, give the guy a shot on a baseball team. He could start out as a pinch-runner, guaranteeing two free bases, and he could be taught how to hit and catch fly balls. You could play Manny and Alfonso Soriano at the corner outfield spots and just let Usain go catch every ball. He would probably succeed most at soccer. Soccer is easy to learn how to play anyway (kick a little ball into a really big goal) and he would, obviously, be the fastest guy on the pitch. The guy needs to do something, there can't be a ton of money in running track.

Can you tell it's the slow part of the year for sports? Me too. Let's get this weekend going right.

Plaxico Burress will enjoy his last days as a free, dumb man. I know everyone wants to compare Plax and Donte Stallworth, but they sound really stupid when they do. They're each going to serve less than the maximum prison sentence for their respective crime. No one cares un-famous people drive drunk and kill people or take guns into clubs. Why is it a big deal when famous people do? I still haven't figured that out. Let's all agree on one thing, neither Stallworth nor Burress would fare very well on Jeopardy!
Memphis/UK/John Calipari will continue to spin things in their favor. I wouldn't expect anyone to just come out and say what they actually want to, but it would be refreshing. Memphis could say, "John Calipari is a guy known for bending, but not breaking, the rules. We knew that when we hired him and that was a reason we hired him. He put us on the map. If you think this is bad, think about the things that haven't come out yet." UK officials would say, "Look, he's not Billy Gillispie. Donovan turned us down twice, and Cal was the next best thing. Hell, we have one of the best recruiting classes ever, oh well!" And, Coach Cal would just have his website go down and tweet about it. Oh, wait, that actually happened.
College football will make you miss it. I feel so teased. I want so desperately to be able to wake up to the sound of Chris Fowler's voice and the intro music to Gameday. I want to ignore the noon Big Ten games (unless Michigan is playing) until the 12:30PM SEC game comes on. I miss 12-team parlays that never hit. I miss fall weather. I miss all these things that mean college football. It's only two weeks away.
Inglorious Basterds will be the movie everyone wants to talk about. Quentin Tarantino has to be the most overrated person in Hollywood. Pulp Fiction was good (from the parts I've seen), but the rest of his movies look uninteresting. Kill Bill and Grindhouse looked awful. Plus, Tarantino just looks like the guy who thinks his diarrhea doesn't stink. If you want to talk to people about the movie, just talk about the sexy Diane Kruger. This German was also in National Treasure and is super hot. She will probably be the best part of the move that my dad is calling, "...the worse WWII movie ever."
The Little League World Series will dominate your television. That is, if you are anything like me. I'm not sure if it's because I like to romanticize my Little League days or what, but I can't turn the games off whenever they are on. To be honest, I'm watching a game right now. There's even a team from Kentucky playing this year. I don't give them a great shot to play well, but when you're 12 and playing baseball on national TV, anything can happen.