FWP: Dating Application Edition

Written by Josh Cohron | 28 August 2009

Fearless Weekend Predictions is a weekly column running on Friday afternoons where our resident soothsayer (or whoever we can get) locks down what will transpire in the coming 72 hours. It’s better to get these out before the 7-year is open.  The crystal ball gets cloudy.

So, I just wrote this amazing piece of literature to start this out, then my computer froze. So, after losing that, I didn't have the heart/desire to do write it over again. Just remember that Billy Gillispie is a special man. Instead, here is a fake letter one of my friends wrote for me today. He thinks it should be the way I pick up women:

Dear Random Girl I may or may not have gone to high school with,
 
Yeah I work in quality control over at (company name redacted).  It's a pretty big deal, I work mad hours just trying to keep the 100 plus people that work for me doing what they are supposed to do.  As you can tell I do very well, after all I am wearing Polo.  Anyway I was hoping I could take you home tonight...we could make out for a little while but right before things get heavy I will start crying.  You can comfort me by just talking with me then when we fall asleep, I will pee all over you! 
 
Don't get scared, it doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means I'm an emotionally unstable bed wetter. 
 
Ok, so you're not interested no big deal.  I will just head home drink a few more cold ones and pass out in my recliner wearing nothing but my boxers.

Thoughts? I think it's a winner, personally. Ladies, if you're out there, yes I am single.

Yes, weekend, predicting, let's do it.

• Chula Vista, CA will win the Little League World Series. I have not hidden my feelings about the LLWS, I love it. It is must see TV every August. Grubby tried to play coy on it ("I can't believe we [expletive] turned off the [expletive] NFL for this [expletive]."), but even he was sucked in last night as my favorite team, Chula Vista, came back on Warner Robins, GA and won in the bottom of the 6th inning. Chula Vista gets a chance to avenge their only loss tomorrow against a team from Texas. That game is on the same time that the Cubs play the Mets. There will be more talent in the Little League game than the Major League one, for sure. My guess is that Chula Vista beats Texas and then beats Chinese Taipei in the finals on Sunday.
• Rick Pitino will go off the deep end. Wow, did you see the press conference the other afternoon? That guy looks like a bear caught in a trap just trying to fend off the vultures. The guy has absolutely zero ground to stand on, but he is the one who is going to go and make accusations? The dude has balls, at the very least. I love how he goes at the local media for printing/running stuff to try and make his own reputation better. Who does he think helps shape his reputation in the first place? If you guessed the local media, you are correct! Ian will send you a free (postage and handling not included) Stadium Drives t-shirt. (Ian, make some SD t-shirts!)
• Halloween II will open to an awful reception. Hey, Rob Zombie, stick to making awful music! We don't need you infecting the world with crappy movies, as well. I don't get Hollywood's obsession with making remakes of movies that weren't that good in the first place. Of course, if you're Rob Zombie and you've always been accustomed to crap, you just keep reproducing it. The only redeeming thing I can find in this movie is Scout Taylor-Compton. She's twenty and she's hot in the, "I think if I met her, I would have a chance," kind of way. I will definitely not be seeing this piece of garbage, but if you do, best of luck to you.
• You will pine for college football, so FWP is more interesting. Look, I know it. There is NOTHING going on in sports right now. Do you want me to break down the AL Wildcard race? Should we talk about the non-story of USC naming a true freshman its starting QB? Do you want my top 10 fantasy football tight ends? No, I didn't think so. This is the last weekend without college football and it feels so good. Next week, we'll unveil something new with bets you can be sure to avoid. It's just one more weekend, you can make it.

All right kiddos, that about wraps it up. Go enjoy your weekend, sip a cool beverage and rest up because next Saturday is going to be a long one. Also, ladies, if you're interested, just email me.