Be Better, Team USA

Written by Josh Cohron | 13 August 2009

I did something yesterday that I usually never do: I watched an entire soccer game. I bought into the hype and turned on the USA/Mexico World Cup qualifier. Thankfully, we at the SD.com headquarters have DirecTV and were able to watch it on the free preview of Mun2. The picture quality was equal to or worse than video of Columbus landing in the New World. As bad as the picture was, the play of Team USA was worse. Here are some observations from a guy who last played organized soccer in 1991 and openly despises American soccer:

• Team USA has been outscored 4-0 in the last two second halves they played. Perhaps this is a problem they should try to alleviate before making a run at the World Cup next year.
• While the score of the game was 2-1, I never really thought the US was in the game. Mexico controlled the ball almost the entire game and the only goal Team USA scored was what I would refer to as a fastbreak goal. Mexico dominated the ball and the game.
• I've heard some people saying that Team USA's strategy may have been to play conservative and play for a tie. That's a great strategy... if you don't like winning. Also, in what other relevant sport can a coach go into the game hoping for a tie? Phil Jackson, Joe Torre and Bill Belichick don't have that option. Hell, even hockey doesn't have ties anymore. That's just another reason why soccer has awful rules and hasn't caught on in America.
• Speaking of stupid rules; how about offsides? In what world does it make sense for a team not to be able to take a risk and play aggressively? If I were a soccer coach (Don't get me started on these guys, they make baseball managers look busy), I would want to keep a guy back so I could outlet (basketball term, not sure what soccer nerds would call it) the ball to him. It's like playing fast-paced basketball or the spread offense in football. Soccer rules haven't changed in decades, which is a big problem.
• Stuart Holden was a substitute for Team USA. He looks like every soccer player you hated in high school. The fact he can play at a high level for my country is infuriating. Doesn't this joker look like he should be co-starring in Miley Cyrus' next movie? He is an awful soccer player. Also, he was born in Scotland. Something doesn't add up.
• On the contrary, Mexico had guys who looked like legitimate soccer players. Nery Castillo has the greatest unibrow of all time and that is not up for discussion. Their soccer legend's name is Cuauhtemoc Blanco and our soccer legend's name is Landon Donovan. Who do you think is the better player?
• As for the 'fight' in the second half, what a joke. It started with a Mexican player attempting to help a US player up after he faked an injury. This started what can be described as a girl fight, at best. At one point, a US player got pushed in the neck, waited three seconds, then grabbed his neck as if he were going to choke to death. Soccer fights looker more fake than a traveling wrestling company that performs only in church basements in the South.
• I've said it before and I will keep saying it until someone listens. Until US Soccer reaches into urban areas, our country will be a disgrace at the sport. It's crazy that we are so good at basketball, but get soundly beaten at soccer. Look at the team that played yesterday in Mexico and the team that won gold last summer in China in basketball. There are some differences that aren't hard to figure out.
• Landon Donovan trying to perform a corner kick while getting fifty cups thrown at him was pure comedy. It's no wonder the US is 0-23-1 at that stadium.

Wow, I actually just wrote that about soccer. If I had to endure that whole game, I'm going to make you endure my thoughts on the game. I'm just trying to get a grassroots uprising against US Soccer until they put a better product on the field. Join me, won't you?